Life's Ramblings

I'm notorious for making people repeat themselves. Even when it's not needed.  It's simple really. They say something and I say "what?" They say it again and I say "what?" Usually, they say it one more time before they get it and realize I'm playing a joke.  It's fun as a person who does frequently need people to repeat themselves. It catches them off guard. Kind of like the boy who cried wolf.

On Friday, my own joke was played on me. Except it was probably 5 times before I realized what was happening.  I told them no fair and that I wasn't used to it being done on me and therefore, that is why I fell so hard for it.  Everyone including me got a good laugh. And she strutted around the rest of the day feeling quite proud of herself. The other shoe will fall...

There is a boy at work that is becoming my shadow. It is hard for me to call him a boy because he is so tall and big, but he is only 14. An 8th grader. A 14 year old 8th grader that has seen and been part of so much violence. It is hard though to know when he is telling the truth and when he is trying to show off.  He is attending an alternative school placement because he is on parole and is on a long term suspension from his home school. He lives in an urban home in a poor area.  Lots of gangs and violence occurs around him. 

"John" began volunteering in my classroom about 2 months ago. He was interested in one little boy in particular and I saw it as a good way to get him involved in something positive. What I was surprised about were his teachers were allowing him to come to my room when work was incomplete or his behavior was poor. So I set some rules. He had to have all his work done completely and well. He had to pull up his pants (he wore them clear to his knees).  He had to come to school and no skipping.  If he skipped he could not come that week. He could not talk about violence, guns, knives or anything inappropriate around the children (he has been jumped numerous times, been in knife fights, and shot at). 

The next day, he wore a belt. He was proud to show it to me.  He said his mother took him to the dollar store right away to buy him one. He has asked me how to become a special education teacher and what I did.  And still frequently asks me.  He has so many barriers for a 14 year old that it makes my heart sink to know there are so many years for him to try to not make bad choices and I just want to scoop him up and take him home.

  He pops in to say hi. He pops in to tell me bye before the weekend and I remind him to make good choices and that I looked forward to seeing him on Monday. Then he comes to say hi on Monday and gives me a report. Either I congratulate him or give him a little lecture. He seems to expect me to lecture him and said just the other day that he decided to just walk away when he was being bugged by someone. Of course I congratulated him. We talk a lot about how to make good decisions and how to think before reaction. 

He is still making bad choices. I told him I would buy him lunch if he didn't skip school for 2 weeks and had no bad behaviors. It was a goal set by him.  He was super disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to buy lunch because he skipped. He had all kinds of excuses.  We set another goal and hopefully he realizes how serious I am.  He wants to volunteer in my room over the summer to help keep him out of trouble. I'm entering new territory. Apparently, I need to talk to his social worker and parole officer first. I already laid out rules that he agreed to. If he misses 2 days, he is done.  He needs to learn some responsibility.  I'm really being hard on him and have high expectations, but he seems to respect me for it.  I talk to him like an adult and lay it out there point blank.

Like with many of my students I have learned so much from him about lifestyles and learned some about me too. I can be a real hardass according to the other adults in my room.  But it seems to be what he is searching for. He goes back to his home district next year. I hope he can keep it together. Maybe my voice will continue to ring in his ears.

Today I met a two year old and her mother. The little girl is just a tiny little thing. Couldn't be more than 20 lbs and just a little more than 2 foot, sparsely blonde hair.  You can see her scars. One that runs from the left side of her head to the bottom of her toe. One long continuous scar. The scar of her shunt in her brain is visible. The scars of 9 surgeries in just over 2 years. One of her eyes are clouded and swirly white and black. You can't tell what color they are. Her other eye rolls under and you only see the whites. I have to admit it was hard to not look and study it and then to feel shocked by how it looked. Of course she is visually impaired, but that is only part of the story. I will explain more later.  Little "Hannah" can crawl and is learning how to walk. She will lean on you and work her way up to standing. She placed her face very, very, uncomfortably close to mine, but knowing she was "seeing" me I let her.  She used her nose to explore my face. A shy little girl no more when she climbed into my arms.  She said the few words she is able to say that melted my heart and tears sprang to my eyes. "Sing to me"  So, I did. Old McDonald which I found out was her favorite.  She smiled a giant smile that radiated from her heart to mine.

It is important that I tell you about her.  The thing is she is the reason why I went into teaching.  I get tired of doctors, teachers, and experts telling parents and the child that they can't do something because of disabilities.  Doctors insisted she was blind. I assumed it also on first judgment. After mom insisted that she could see the doctors have begun to notice she can. It is figured she can see about a foot away. She will push the lid up on one eye to be able to see when it rolls back. Talk about coping skills! She wasn't supposed to walk, but out of sheer will she is beginning to.  She isn't supposed to talk because of how doctors felt her brain developed, but she is! And being as severely impaired as she is, she shouldn't be able to climb, crawl, or even understand what is happening around her, but she does. She has outsmarted all of the doctors and broken all of the rules. Her light shines so brightly that she will be adored by everyone. She has already tugged at my heart strings. Her young mom and dad (couldn't be more than 23) work with her constantly and love her dearly.  She is definitely something special and certainly will teach me and those she comes across how wonderful life is and how happy everyone should be despite any difficulties.  I can't wait for her to start my room in the fall.  I have a feeling she will bring the sun rays with her when it gets pretty dark.

Lately, after a series of events that seem to have started specifically since January 5, 2010, thoughts have been plaguing my mind about "now what?" My friend Matt and I had been dating and I was falling in love with him and I know he felt the same. I don't know if I can actually call him my boyfriend. We never got a chance to say those words. Girlfriend. Boyfriend. We talked about everything and were having a great time in the short time we were dating. My biggest regret is we decided to keep our feelings about each other to ourselves until we both were ready. He had had some rocky relationships and I had too. Howver, he passed away suddenly on January 5 having just turned 33. It kind of sent me into a tailspin of what ifs and what now. The why and asking God over and over again, why did this happen? Why did you take the person I felt comfortable with and yank him out of my life.  But anyways.

The second thing is my mother has not been officially been diagnosed with lung cancer, the doctors feel it is and because she has been a smoker for the last 40 some years she has severe emphysema which is actually her primary life threatening illness. She is declining pretty rapidly and it will not a be a year until July 16th. So I have learned within the last 6 months how fragile life is and I'm wanting to expand myself and am finding myself looking at who I am in a different way. In a way that is so unfamiliar to me.

For so many years, 8 to be exact, I went to college. I worked as a paraprofessional for 5 of those years. Then as a caregiver for the next two and then lived off of student loans for my internships. My goal for 8 years was to graduate, get a job and make money. Ok. Check. Check. Check.

Now what? I need some goals. I need something to work for. Meaning.
So, Here is my new list. Some I will do. Others not so much.
*blog-check (not sure how long this will last)
Ride in a hot air balloon
Visit Puerto Rico a whole bunch of times
Buy a business or buy a rental home
Do schoolwork in a bar (specifically Bell's Brewery) because I can
Take snorkeling lessons
Take Spanish
Have children (not looking so good)
Move to Puerto Rico? I don't know. This one is iffy. Have to figure out something.

That's a short list. But I will be adding more to it I'm sure. All I know is that it is time to take some risks and do things outside of my comfort zone.

I took a trip recently to Puerto Rico. Who knew it would be such a life changing experience. Six days in a Spanish speaking paradise. 1200 miles out of my comfort zone to stay on a puny island surrounded by water (my least favorite thing in the world and one of my biggest fears) with a friend who loves to snorkel and dive.  I had stressed since November when my friend asked me if I wanted to go about being in the water. The fear of drowning, being in the water, the currents, having my ears and head under water haunted me for months.  My friend had no idea the fear stewing inside.  When I arrived to the island at 2:00 in the morning after being on two airplanes full of Spanish speaking families going to PR to celebrate Easter, I was disappointed. Disappointed that the place we were staying was not what I was expecting. Wish I would have taken pictures. But I found out it was temporary.  Then we moved to our rental on the ocean with the most amazing view and all that water! It is pretty to look at and the sun amazingly hot. If this is heaven, take me now.  Then my friend said she was going to go snorkeling and I jumped up and said, "I'll go too!" What! Am  I nuts? But decided I needed to try it. I'm in a place where I can see coral from the deck.  We get to the spot where we are going to snorkel. I carefully wrap my hearing aids and bury them in the sand. How horrible to get those stolen! We go out into the water and I am doing ok. Showing my brave face and convincing myself that this is ok.

My friend shows me how to put on the mask. Never mind 4 feet waves are crashing in the distance and the current can carry me out to oblivion.  I do what she says. Spit, rinse and wipe with my fingers, move all the hair away from my face, put them on and make sure there is a seal. Dunk my face in to check for leaks.  (yeah right) I did it. I dunked my head in and this wave of awe hits me. I dunk my face in again and am in an amazed state of the beauty I was that I was seeing only feet from the shore.  I was hooked.  Me, the person afraid of the water who can barely swim wants to go. I push the fear aside and follow my friend's lead. I'm giddy now with excitement and the fish! The fish are so awesome.  The fingers of the coral so colorful. The octopus! Not one but two. I seen the octopus and another fish pecking at it. It turns black and yellow right before my eyes! And I saw what I think is a black and white banded eel along the bottom.  I'm fascinated and follow it blocking out the unknown worry of it coming to get me.  Then big waves crash over me and it is all white and bubbly. A wave of panic spreads only for a few seconds. What could I do. I had to shove the panic away and get to grips. I'm out in the water quite a ways away from shore and I'm having fun. I can't get scared. I want to see more. Anyways, we snorkel two more times. Once I got caught in the current and dragged across spikey coral and ended up with coral splinters. I have scars from it that I proudly wear.

Well, I have decided to take snorkeling lessons to learn some of the things I need to know about snorkeling. What?! Amazing, this person who is afraid to swim and be in water.  Who knew this would wake up my inner love of snorkeling and water. I'm super proud of myself and can't wait to do it again.

I will write more about PR. But this is already so long!