Lately, after a series of events that seem to have started specifically since January 5, 2010, thoughts have been plaguing my mind about "now what?" My friend Matt and I had been dating and I was falling in love with him and I know he felt the same. I don't know if I can actually call him my boyfriend. We never got a chance to say those words. Girlfriend. Boyfriend. We talked about everything and were having a great time in the short time we were dating. My biggest regret is we decided to keep our feelings about each other to ourselves until we both were ready. He had had some rocky relationships and I had too. Howver, he passed away suddenly on January 5 having just turned 33. It kind of sent me into a tailspin of what ifs and what now. The why and asking God over and over again, why did this happen? Why did you take the person I felt comfortable with and yank him out of my life. But anyways.
The second thing is my mother has not been officially been diagnosed with lung cancer, the doctors feel it is and because she has been a smoker for the last 40 some years she has severe emphysema which is actually her primary life threatening illness. She is declining pretty rapidly and it will not a be a year until July 16th. So I have learned within the last 6 months how fragile life is and I'm wanting to expand myself and am finding myself looking at who I am in a different way. In a way that is so unfamiliar to me.
For so many years, 8 to be exact, I went to college. I worked as a paraprofessional for 5 of those years. Then as a caregiver for the next two and then lived off of student loans for my internships. My goal for 8 years was to graduate, get a job and make money. Ok. Check. Check. Check.
Now what? I need some goals. I need something to work for. Meaning.
So, Here is my new list. Some I will do. Others not so much.
*blog-check (not sure how long this will last)
Ride in a hot air balloon
Visit Puerto Rico a whole bunch of times
Buy a business or buy a rental home
Do schoolwork in a bar (specifically Bell's Brewery) because I can
Take snorkeling lessons
Take Spanish
Have children (not looking so good)
Move to Puerto Rico? I don't know. This one is iffy. Have to figure out something.
That's a short list. But I will be adding more to it I'm sure. All I know is that it is time to take some risks and do things outside of my comfort zone.
The second thing is my mother has not been officially been diagnosed with lung cancer, the doctors feel it is and because she has been a smoker for the last 40 some years she has severe emphysema which is actually her primary life threatening illness. She is declining pretty rapidly and it will not a be a year until July 16th. So I have learned within the last 6 months how fragile life is and I'm wanting to expand myself and am finding myself looking at who I am in a different way. In a way that is so unfamiliar to me.
For so many years, 8 to be exact, I went to college. I worked as a paraprofessional for 5 of those years. Then as a caregiver for the next two and then lived off of student loans for my internships. My goal for 8 years was to graduate, get a job and make money. Ok. Check. Check. Check.
Now what? I need some goals. I need something to work for. Meaning.
So, Here is my new list. Some I will do. Others not so much.
*blog-check (not sure how long this will last)
Ride in a hot air balloon
Visit Puerto Rico a whole bunch of times
Buy a business or buy a rental home
Do schoolwork in a bar (specifically Bell's Brewery) because I can
Take snorkeling lessons
Take Spanish
Have children (not looking so good)
Move to Puerto Rico? I don't know. This one is iffy. Have to figure out something.
That's a short list. But I will be adding more to it I'm sure. All I know is that it is time to take some risks and do things outside of my comfort zone.
May 22, 2010
It sure seems like you've had more than your fair share of sadness and uncertainty this year... I'm still praying for your mom and you too...
But I'm so glad you decided to start this blog as part of your life goals!! I want to ride in a hot air balloon too! (Let's do it together ;) )
May 22, 2010
Sarah, my friend's uncle has a hot air balloon company. Seriously, when you are in town we need to go!
May 24, 2010
Hmmmm....I wonder who that friend could be? ;) When you're ready, let me know. Laura and I kept trying when we lived on that side of the state, and weather played havoc with every trip, so she still hasn't gone up yet either. My one and only flight was when I was about 11 or 12. So shoot me a message when you're ready - that is if you'd like some additional company ;)
May 28, 2010
I'm so there!!